For the I-don't-even-want-to-count time, I'm down the narrow path of self-healing again. I have stopped abusing myself but I don't know when I'll be doing it again, hopefully not anytime soon.

I just needed someone or something to vent to, it's that simple. And yet, I don't want to burden anybody around me with my bratty, useless rants.

After all this time, I just hope that I'll heal fast enough for me to have my feet on the ground again in my studies. I have sacrificed so much for this; it's not the time to let go. At least not as of yet. At least not so soon.

I'm utterly confused on what to do next and so I sit here, in the school library, trying to cram as much info into my poor little brain as much as possible.

Has the depression lessened? I don't think so. Even as I breath, I could feel the burden in my lungs. Even as I walked alone, the burden on my shoulders increased.

Not to worry so much, though. I've dealt with this before and I'm dealing with it again so I know how to trace that path again. For the greater good.

I was fine. I am fine. I will be fine.

Will be posting again soon. I might as well use this as a real journal.

Peace out,
Serre.

I wanted to post this earlier but I was busy. However, I take that as a good omen, because if I was to post this last week, it would be full of emotion and too long to understand anything. I'm writing this down not because I'm still angry or sad but just for the mere thought that I'll look back and think 'ahh that had once happened to me'. After all, it's writing what happened that would lead one to self discovery and more understanding of oneself.

Anyway, the final week of November '09, as much as I would love for it to be a good week, was such a tiresome week to both my mental and physical health. I'll just summarise everything according to the days of the week.

Monday - a good start of the week HOWEVER, my sister was called by her school office about her expired visa and was threatened to be reported to UK Borders. She was acting 'mental' for the rest of the day.

Tuesday - I failed to get the correct results for the practicals after spending about 4 hours doing it. Lab, for the first time ever, was very chaotic. And by chaotic I meant people shouting at each other, invigilators unable to control the situation and ended up with someone crying in the end while more than half hastily left the lab in anger.

Wednesday - My sisters both went to liverpool and they took my room's key. Having only a few hours of sleep the night before, I ended up sleeping in the living room till sunset. It would have been okay if it wasn't that we have two housemates, both of which are men. Awkward is an understatement. Then we had guests that arrived ten minutes after I woke up, me with my red pair of eyes, opening the door. Lovely.

Thursday - Parasite and I agreed to re-do our Tuesday practicals (it was a pair practical) that afternoon but he did me well by not turning up using a ridiculous excuse. I did the practicals (a full 3.5 hours) on my own and so the results are solely mine and not his'. The only satisfactory thing of the day is that I got the correct results for my practicals.

Friday - We had to rush to liverpool for my sister's letter but we found out that our housemates have planned to call people over for Eid. It was a potentially bad evening because not only that we knew last minute and had to leave, and we came home when the guests have arrived but that wretched girl was there looking all annoyed as if we are the guests and she is the owner of the house. I glared at her the entire night; 90% of the time, she was scared to look my way.

Saturday - Out of frustrations of the entire week, I decided to go to the city with my sister. Instead of relaxing, it fluttered more anger in my heart as we met a couple of racists in the free city bus on our way to the city. She said she's waiting for her mate but offered this girl who stood beside me to site next to her then left the bus after spitting at my feet, saying that it was 'a present for a little devil'. Yeah, I wanted to chop heads that day.

Right when I thought the worst has happened, sunday was my only hope left but sunday didn't leave me alone.

Sunday - sudden guests; i was in my sleeping wear and went down for lunch when someone pushed the bell and TA-DA, guests who came over to cook with us =S it ended at around 4pm, then friends was invited at around 6-8pm. i ended up sleeping just 4 hours that night because i had a lot of work to do.

--

Final week of november, have you no mercy?

I've been feeling so utterly frustrated lately. I don't really know why but my mood is really bad, I can't laugh nor smile and I can't even eat much either.

My mentality is breaking down, I know, but I cannot do anything about it.

I feel so bad about being in a bad mood but there is nothing to be happy about either.

Dear Allah, give me strength. I, too, need to live on.

I, too, need to go on with life.

Dear Allah, tell me why I'm being like this.

Dear Allah, I need my strength back.

Amin.

-

I am on the road back to my faith, so I will leave internet for a little bit. I will still be going on to check a few things but I won't be on that much.

When i'm frustrated, I don't want to brag and make everyone frustrated as well. This might as well be the best way.

I can hold this in.

I can do this.

Wish me luck.


Serre-shi, Serre-shi, Serre-shi ..

... it's time to go.

Serre dear, I promise I'll wake you up when second year ends.

Sleep now, love.

Just go to sleep. Go to sleep and brush away all those worries. 

I fell to the hard ground on all four. 

Pressing my blood covered palms against the ground, I tried to pick myself up but I failed. As a result, my whole frail body fell back to the hot ground, my cheeks pressed forcefully against the sharp edges of the pavement.  

The brightly shining sun glared into my two tired eyes. I closed my eyes and sighed but I cannot give up trying.

Pick yourself up.

Rolling myself to lie on my back, my hand carelessly lay itself on my painful stomach. The blood from my stomach tainted my white clothes. All the colors and objects around me blurred and spun itself but ... there was an image of a person that refused to blur nor fade away with the others. 

Even as I felt my surroundings became warmer and my emotions turned calmer, that faraway image still will not blur.

It fades, yes.

It turned black and white, yes. 

But it will never be gone.

I knew deep inside that that image will forever be engraved in my memories. The very person who stabbed me and tainted my life with sins. I shall learn, instead, to live with it. Live with that image stashed to the corner of my mind. In the darkest corner, it shall stay. 

-

The cold scorched my emotions into little pieces. I reached out for warmth but all I see is me hugging my own pitiful self. 

I am fine now.

I have healed.

I have moved on.

But believe me when I say that I can never forget something that is already a part of me. 

PS: I was never stabbed, not literally.

out of topic: I read dreamidoyo's post about wallpaper but my lappy is at the shop and I can't possibly use this wallpaper cos this is not my lappy and I certainly didn't choose the wallpaper >0< 
-

So I have just a few days over a month before my holiday period officially stops and I've been trying my best to occupy my pitiful little head with anything as much as possible. Everyday, I would wake up and surf for the smallest things that could catch my attention (like the robbery of Choi Jin Shil's ashes, though I'm not her fan) and go to youtube and just watch variety shows after variety shows on 2PM (they joined TONS of variety shows) just to get myself laughing.

Of course laughing is great, right? It IS after all the BEST medicine in the whole world, not to mention the cheapest as well. I would sit here and laugh at the computer screen more than half of the day, and at least that made me continue my life day after day.

Yes, I know I'm ignoring a lot of my problems like the scholarship issue and my things lying around and of course, cleaning the house for Raya but I can't help it. I just want to be selfish for once and just make myself happy without a care of whether or not I look like the stupid girl who wastes time in her own private world.

Is it wrong to laugh even if you laugh by yourself? 

I don't think it is and I'm just going to continue being a brat and keep laughing to myself. Nobody in this house could be my spazz-mate, anyway =/

Yes, I know, I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I've been busy trying to make a fool out of myself by getting my throat all sore by watching variety shows. I don't have much to say, anyway. Who in this whole wide world would want to read about misery, anyway? 

Following the unfortunate event that I mentioned in my previous post, the things in my house is very hard.

My dad keeps on telling me that I'm being a brat to complain about such small things. That's not small to ME! I'm still thinking of where to put my things, my small breaking-down wardrobe is overfull and my bedroom to-be is being used as a STORE ROOM. 

It's not just some cases where they forgot to leave me food that they bought or when they don't even bother to listen to me when I talk. I can somehow stand all that, all I have to do is walk away. 

I mean, what else am I supposed to do? 

He thinks I'm being ridiculous to cause chaos in the house just because they placed my things into moving boxes.

WHATEVER! call me arrogant brat all you want! 

.. 

it's hard now to even trust my dad or my eldest sister, you know? 


Now that my second sister's trunk has arrived from the UK, I can't even find my clothes that I have packed all so neatly to be sent home. I was sick on that day, buried under the covers with a shivering body. In fact, I was overdosed. So I couldn't have attended to them myself. 

I have a doubt that my things were left in the UK.

But I have a bigger doubt that they are all packed up in a place where I can't find it for at least another couple of years. 

Yes, you may call me an arrogant brat again for not trusting my own family.

Why should I when they didn't even bother to tell me that my own uncle is sick; instead tells my housemate about it. I feel utterly betrayed, and sad. 

My throat is sore so I couldn't possibly talk on the phone or even talk much, all I do is cry. My family tends to leave me alone after my 'rage', that gives me the time to think of suicide and running away. 

I used to stop myself and say that I will not talk about death anymore, but nowadays I think about it often. Wouldn't be long before I talk about it often too.

I'm depressed again. I've been ignoring that for the last 24 hours but I know for a fact that I am. The lights just dims away from me before I could even blink. 

These heartbreaks and depressions will one day will be the end of me.


Then I ask Allah the Almighty: why am I given this type of heartbreaks? I want happiness too. Of all people in this world, why my family? I don't get it. Does He not love me too? 

Have you ever done something and few days later you think: "how selfish of me." 

If you have, I wanna be your friend. =/
--

I just got home from UK today and I'm supposed to be all HAPPY and JOYFUL! 

but OMFG, my things are in MOVING boxes!!!! The things I put in my eldest sister's room (the one  that I used while she was in the UK), are all packed up (should I say NEATLY? I don't have the mood to compliment about this right now). 

Considering that she's going to resit for her exams and all, I didn't want to actually shout at her and add up to her stresses but I can't help it. It hurts like hell that it really felt like I was being kicked out.

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT THEM?! 

HELLLLLLOOOOO~~ I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FINISHED BEDROOM! I can move into that room with the broken air-conditioner  and unfinished toilet but hey~ can't you be at least a little human? 

I'm just really pissed off because I came back after a short two weeks time and I see more than half of my things all packed up in moving boxes and is just standing there outside the room like it's some junk. 

It hurts so much to see that.

Just so much.

Well.. there were a lot of things written here on 6th July, a lot of things that I have somehow typed out of no where in the middle of the night. 

I deleted it and edited to what you are reading now.

If you haven't read it, really, it's nothing good.

If you have read it, please, just keep it in. =X

Yes, after all the suffocating period of curiosity, I finally knew my results. I did good, and honestly, I'm proud of what I achieved though there are minor things that I'm not satisfied about them.

Though my heartbeat should now be at a normal speed but it's not.

There are other things, other people's results that I am scared of right now.

Time is ticking and the distant echoes are still in my hearing range at this moment.

I'll post again soon.