I wanted to post this earlier but I was busy. However, I take that as a good omen, because if I was to post this last week, it would be full of emotion and too long to understand anything. I'm writing this down not because I'm still angry or sad but just for the mere thought that I'll look back and think 'ahh that had once happened to me'. After all, it's writing what happened that would lead one to self discovery and more understanding of oneself.

Anyway, the final week of November '09, as much as I would love for it to be a good week, was such a tiresome week to both my mental and physical health. I'll just summarise everything according to the days of the week.

Monday - a good start of the week HOWEVER, my sister was called by her school office about her expired visa and was threatened to be reported to UK Borders. She was acting 'mental' for the rest of the day.

Tuesday - I failed to get the correct results for the practicals after spending about 4 hours doing it. Lab, for the first time ever, was very chaotic. And by chaotic I meant people shouting at each other, invigilators unable to control the situation and ended up with someone crying in the end while more than half hastily left the lab in anger.

Wednesday - My sisters both went to liverpool and they took my room's key. Having only a few hours of sleep the night before, I ended up sleeping in the living room till sunset. It would have been okay if it wasn't that we have two housemates, both of which are men. Awkward is an understatement. Then we had guests that arrived ten minutes after I woke up, me with my red pair of eyes, opening the door. Lovely.

Thursday - Parasite and I agreed to re-do our Tuesday practicals (it was a pair practical) that afternoon but he did me well by not turning up using a ridiculous excuse. I did the practicals (a full 3.5 hours) on my own and so the results are solely mine and not his'. The only satisfactory thing of the day is that I got the correct results for my practicals.

Friday - We had to rush to liverpool for my sister's letter but we found out that our housemates have planned to call people over for Eid. It was a potentially bad evening because not only that we knew last minute and had to leave, and we came home when the guests have arrived but that wretched girl was there looking all annoyed as if we are the guests and she is the owner of the house. I glared at her the entire night; 90% of the time, she was scared to look my way.

Saturday - Out of frustrations of the entire week, I decided to go to the city with my sister. Instead of relaxing, it fluttered more anger in my heart as we met a couple of racists in the free city bus on our way to the city. She said she's waiting for her mate but offered this girl who stood beside me to site next to her then left the bus after spitting at my feet, saying that it was 'a present for a little devil'. Yeah, I wanted to chop heads that day.

Right when I thought the worst has happened, sunday was my only hope left but sunday didn't leave me alone.

Sunday - sudden guests; i was in my sleeping wear and went down for lunch when someone pushed the bell and TA-DA, guests who came over to cook with us =S it ended at around 4pm, then friends was invited at around 6-8pm. i ended up sleeping just 4 hours that night because i had a lot of work to do.

--

Final week of november, have you no mercy?

I've been feeling so utterly frustrated lately. I don't really know why but my mood is really bad, I can't laugh nor smile and I can't even eat much either.

My mentality is breaking down, I know, but I cannot do anything about it.

I feel so bad about being in a bad mood but there is nothing to be happy about either.

Dear Allah, give me strength. I, too, need to live on.

I, too, need to go on with life.

Dear Allah, tell me why I'm being like this.

Dear Allah, I need my strength back.

Amin.

-

I am on the road back to my faith, so I will leave internet for a little bit. I will still be going on to check a few things but I won't be on that much.

When i'm frustrated, I don't want to brag and make everyone frustrated as well. This might as well be the best way.

I can hold this in.

I can do this.

Wish me luck.


Serre-shi, Serre-shi, Serre-shi ..

... it's time to go.

Serre dear, I promise I'll wake you up when second year ends.

Sleep now, love.

Just go to sleep. Go to sleep and brush away all those worries. 

I fell to the hard ground on all four. 

Pressing my blood covered palms against the ground, I tried to pick myself up but I failed. As a result, my whole frail body fell back to the hot ground, my cheeks pressed forcefully against the sharp edges of the pavement.  

The brightly shining sun glared into my two tired eyes. I closed my eyes and sighed but I cannot give up trying.

Pick yourself up.

Rolling myself to lie on my back, my hand carelessly lay itself on my painful stomach. The blood from my stomach tainted my white clothes. All the colors and objects around me blurred and spun itself but ... there was an image of a person that refused to blur nor fade away with the others. 

Even as I felt my surroundings became warmer and my emotions turned calmer, that faraway image still will not blur.

It fades, yes.

It turned black and white, yes. 

But it will never be gone.

I knew deep inside that that image will forever be engraved in my memories. The very person who stabbed me and tainted my life with sins. I shall learn, instead, to live with it. Live with that image stashed to the corner of my mind. In the darkest corner, it shall stay. 

-

The cold scorched my emotions into little pieces. I reached out for warmth but all I see is me hugging my own pitiful self. 

I am fine now.

I have healed.

I have moved on.

But believe me when I say that I can never forget something that is already a part of me. 

PS: I was never stabbed, not literally.

out of topic: I read dreamidoyo's post about wallpaper but my lappy is at the shop and I can't possibly use this wallpaper cos this is not my lappy and I certainly didn't choose the wallpaper >0< 
-

So I have just a few days over a month before my holiday period officially stops and I've been trying my best to occupy my pitiful little head with anything as much as possible. Everyday, I would wake up and surf for the smallest things that could catch my attention (like the robbery of Choi Jin Shil's ashes, though I'm not her fan) and go to youtube and just watch variety shows after variety shows on 2PM (they joined TONS of variety shows) just to get myself laughing.

Of course laughing is great, right? It IS after all the BEST medicine in the whole world, not to mention the cheapest as well. I would sit here and laugh at the computer screen more than half of the day, and at least that made me continue my life day after day.

Yes, I know I'm ignoring a lot of my problems like the scholarship issue and my things lying around and of course, cleaning the house for Raya but I can't help it. I just want to be selfish for once and just make myself happy without a care of whether or not I look like the stupid girl who wastes time in her own private world.

Is it wrong to laugh even if you laugh by yourself? 

I don't think it is and I'm just going to continue being a brat and keep laughing to myself. Nobody in this house could be my spazz-mate, anyway =/

Yes, I know, I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I've been busy trying to make a fool out of myself by getting my throat all sore by watching variety shows. I don't have much to say, anyway. Who in this whole wide world would want to read about misery, anyway? 

Following the unfortunate event that I mentioned in my previous post, the things in my house is very hard.

My dad keeps on telling me that I'm being a brat to complain about such small things. That's not small to ME! I'm still thinking of where to put my things, my small breaking-down wardrobe is overfull and my bedroom to-be is being used as a STORE ROOM. 

It's not just some cases where they forgot to leave me food that they bought or when they don't even bother to listen to me when I talk. I can somehow stand all that, all I have to do is walk away. 

I mean, what else am I supposed to do? 

He thinks I'm being ridiculous to cause chaos in the house just because they placed my things into moving boxes.

WHATEVER! call me arrogant brat all you want! 

.. 

it's hard now to even trust my dad or my eldest sister, you know? 


Now that my second sister's trunk has arrived from the UK, I can't even find my clothes that I have packed all so neatly to be sent home. I was sick on that day, buried under the covers with a shivering body. In fact, I was overdosed. So I couldn't have attended to them myself. 

I have a doubt that my things were left in the UK.

But I have a bigger doubt that they are all packed up in a place where I can't find it for at least another couple of years. 

Yes, you may call me an arrogant brat again for not trusting my own family.

Why should I when they didn't even bother to tell me that my own uncle is sick; instead tells my housemate about it. I feel utterly betrayed, and sad. 

My throat is sore so I couldn't possibly talk on the phone or even talk much, all I do is cry. My family tends to leave me alone after my 'rage', that gives me the time to think of suicide and running away. 

I used to stop myself and say that I will not talk about death anymore, but nowadays I think about it often. Wouldn't be long before I talk about it often too.

I'm depressed again. I've been ignoring that for the last 24 hours but I know for a fact that I am. The lights just dims away from me before I could even blink. 

These heartbreaks and depressions will one day will be the end of me.


Then I ask Allah the Almighty: why am I given this type of heartbreaks? I want happiness too. Of all people in this world, why my family? I don't get it. Does He not love me too? 

Have you ever done something and few days later you think: "how selfish of me." 

If you have, I wanna be your friend. =/
--

I just got home from UK today and I'm supposed to be all HAPPY and JOYFUL! 

but OMFG, my things are in MOVING boxes!!!! The things I put in my eldest sister's room (the one  that I used while she was in the UK), are all packed up (should I say NEATLY? I don't have the mood to compliment about this right now). 

Considering that she's going to resit for her exams and all, I didn't want to actually shout at her and add up to her stresses but I can't help it. It hurts like hell that it really felt like I was being kicked out.

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT THEM?! 

HELLLLLLOOOOO~~ I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FINISHED BEDROOM! I can move into that room with the broken air-conditioner  and unfinished toilet but hey~ can't you be at least a little human? 

I'm just really pissed off because I came back after a short two weeks time and I see more than half of my things all packed up in moving boxes and is just standing there outside the room like it's some junk. 

It hurts so much to see that.

Just so much.

Well.. there were a lot of things written here on 6th July, a lot of things that I have somehow typed out of no where in the middle of the night. 

I deleted it and edited to what you are reading now.

If you haven't read it, really, it's nothing good.

If you have read it, please, just keep it in. =X

Yes, after all the suffocating period of curiosity, I finally knew my results. I did good, and honestly, I'm proud of what I achieved though there are minor things that I'm not satisfied about them.

Though my heartbeat should now be at a normal speed but it's not.

There are other things, other people's results that I am scared of right now.

Time is ticking and the distant echoes are still in my hearing range at this moment.

I'll post again soon.

 The sound of the clock echoed in my ears as I sat here with anticipation. I kept on checking the still un-updated pass list of the CPFS course, silently cursing myself for being so impatient. 

For the gazilionth time, I checked my mail and the online results space but .. nothing. 

few more hours more and I'll get my results.

Did I mention I hate waiting? 

Time ticked away since the last time I posted but there are nothing much that I can say but the fact that my body was not in good health.

To say it all, it would take a paragraph of events but I'm in love with simplicity and just post this to say that I am healthy and still alive! (omg haha) 

One more sister just came  home few and it's never less than a great family reunion. Cousin came over to hang out and used me as an experiment face for applying make-up tutorial to my sister.

For a nice few hours my face is so nice and pretty but heh, my eyes felt so heavy. I washed it off after a few hours xD

--

I don't really feel like pouring anything from my mind today but I just feel like typing  a little. My body is weak again, and I hate the way it feels.

-sigh-

I need to be comforted when I'm down too but it's not possible. I've lived long enough to realise that I've made a pact with my dear friend: 'Loneliness'.

Loneliness told me that I don't need comfort for as long as I welcome him. 

I agreed.

And so let the loneliness reign.

Well, lets see, in order to somehow upgrade my english skills, I'll have to upgrade on how I write so from now on, the way I write my journals will be less simple. I loved simple english, by the way, it makes me feel comfy, like talking to a friend thing .. xD but I am me, I want to try new things, if this thing doesn't work, I'll be back to my usual way of writing these journal entries.

-

I grabbed a handful of my own hair this fateful morning. It was all wet and covered in sweat, and so I realised, so is my entire shaking body. They say sweat is one of the ways at which your body ejects the 'bad stuffs'. Perhaps I'm getting better from this illness? 

Certainly, I don't feel like it at all as I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 12PM in the afternoon.

Beauty sleep was never in my list and I don't plan on adding it in anytime soon.

Sleep hated me for these past few days, slipping away in the darkness as I lie in bed trying to catch it the whole night but I never succeeded. And the vengeful me threatened myself to sleep at any time of the day.

I'm not sick, I said, but it was nothing more than to convince myself than to convince others.

Deep inside, I knew that it's just because I'm too nervous. So nervous that the nerves in my entire body is shaking and affecting my system. I tried to relax myself, listen to music and watch dramas .. but there is just so much I can do but to torture myself into thinking of what could, should or would happen in the near future.

I hope this sickness will leave me soon.

I thought today would just be some common day that I spend at home, trying to pass the time while glaring at the clock for moving too slow. I actually thought twice of contacting my friends just to hang out though I don't really feel like hanging out and well.. hanging out. I somehow feel like I just want to sit at home and laze around.

I don't want my friends to think otherwise, I'm in no way neglecting anybody or even the world, for that matter. The thing is, I just feel like I want my own time for a little while.

Days passed and I realised this 'little while' had been about nine days.

Wow, is jet lag still a reason for not contacting? 

I do feel guilty and I do miss them but my hands gets heavy on texting or calling .. I don't even feel like holding my phone.

-

That was completely out of what I was gonna say.

Anyway~~~ 

today, I brought along my cousin and my sis to watch a movie at the mall in gadong. It was a last minute thing, and we had a little trouble trying to figure out what movie to watch.

There was the comedy genres: "Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak" (Don't Look Behind The Congkak) and 17 Again, then there was Terminator Salvation and even Angels & Demons that I think should fall under the er... adventure (maybe??) category.

We ended up watching 17 Again and it ended up to be better than I expected. Though the scene of a 17 year old teenager snogging someone 20 years older is not really something I even look forward to, the story actually has some morals that I think most movies lacks these days. It was enjoyable and worth the watch, not to mention much funnier than anybody could even think of.

And yeah.. the movie watch was sort of a last minute thing but it was worth the time to go out and just waste time though I do sound like I'm contradicting myself or something.

It was fun and I'm sure I'll do that again next time, with whichever cousin I wanna bring (or wanna join, lol). And yes, it was much better than trying to fast forward the time, hahaha.

it's been almost a week since I've got back to brunei and heck, YES I'm enjoying it. Who in the world wouldn't enjoy being back home? (lol)
For the last few days, minus the number of days that I had to lie down in bed because of my gastric pain, I have been thoroughly hunting for Bruneian food.

They say you don't realise it till it's gone.

Erm.. can I change that? I didn't realise it till I got it back.

Yes, as much as it would sound really weird or something, I actually didn't really miss the Brunei food until I actually landed and tasted them. And oh, not to mention landed and started craving for them.

Perhaps I was a little too focused (which is oh-so-good, I really wish I was) on my studies that I didn't really realise what I missed back home.

Now that I'm home, I realised how I missed the food, the house and even the weather.

Yes, Brunei's 27 degrees celcius is no comparison to Bradford's (UK) 12 degrees celcius but then again, home is home. Yes, it's pretty hot but it's home. I don't even miss the cold, heh.

I'm sure I'll find something to write about soon, I mean, I am home and jobless and on a holiday. I've nothing better to do, do I? *knocks own head* 

Well, my head says no.

lol

how lame.

I just sat for my last paper today and it was such a relief to get it all over and done with! For sure, the hard work and (almost struggling) life must be worth it. I was able (fortunately), to answer everything on the paper accordingly and though there are the usual blanks and i-don't-know-the-answer questions, at least I know that I will pass. It doesn't matter if I get fairy good marks only (and not the first class, as I wished), at least I did what I did best. =) 

Eight months of hard work is worth it? 

Now that everything is done, I sit here thinking: what do I do next? hmm...  I have packing, cleaning, and even washing to do but first of all, I need sleep x_X.

I'll think about what to do next time, hehe.

I don't really know why I had the urge to just come here and make an account but I might as well use it since well.. I am already here, (lol, what a lame excuse).
I'm not sure what I'll fill up these LJ pages with as yet but I'll try to just make it as it is: a journal.

Surely, I'll work on the layouts and all after my exams :D